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JUNGLE NEWS TODAY # FACTS THAT MATTER

12th January, 2016 - 9.30 a.m. - Tuesday
Dschungel-Office, Tag 1

Hi liebe Internetverwaltung,
Subventionsgeber,
Bildgeber, Kompanions, liebe Auftraggeber -

Bin schon wieder im Dschungel und hab noch kurz in AT zwei Honorarnoten geschickt, angekommen?
Bitte das Honorar Januar 2016 heute/morgen überweisen,
ich muss Kokosnüsse und Tabak kaufen, sonst kann ich nicht arbeiten !
Geht das?
Lg. Sa

***********
everything gets better
when you say
I love you
to people you meet
every day

***********
tudo fica melhor
quando dizes
te amo
para as pessoas
que encontras-te
todos os dias

Antwort der Auftraggeber:
Liebe Sa,
bitte stell uns für die Dezember-Kolumne eine neue Rechnung mit dem Datum 1. Dezember 2015 aus - da die Überweisung schon Anfang Dezember durchgeführt wurde, brauchen wir die Honorarnote für das letzte Jahr für die Buchhaltung. Danke!
Andere Überweisung folgt.
Herzlich
die Auftraggeber

Nur eine Jungle-Net-Stunde später, Sa wrote:

Owe, hab ich befürchtet.
Kruzifix.

Geht auch ein Scan-Jungle-.pdf per Mail?
Post dauert sonst länger.

Antwort der Auftraggeber, nur eine Jungle-Net-Minute später:

Ja bitte ein Scan-Jungle-Versuch :)
Danke!

Nur eine Jungle-Scan-Stunde später, Sa wrote:

Jungle-Office funktioniert prima in Kooperation mit Mrs. Sanvita Travel & Copyshop : )
Bis bald !

The electronics of your heart, see how fast they fall apart.
There you go.

PEANUTS, KOKOS, HIGH END, AND EURASIAN CASHEW

Coconuts
Coconuts are in quite good condition, the prizes are ok, just on Saturdays the size is difficult - they are not even worth opening them as they are much too small, but you can happily use them for playing rugby or football.

Cashew
Around the very young sprouting Cashew-Bushes are always these kinds of other bushes that have no name, but they have lovely small and beautiful violet flowers. On them a certain kind of caterpillar uses to spin its cocoons and eating the very small young sprouting leaves from inside the middle of the branch, but no problem: It's only a caterpillar that turns into a butterfly who also has no name. As it has no real name, it's not that important.
And it's not interested in eating young Cashew-trees and disturbing them. If you catch one of them branches where they are on, and put that branch into a vase with water, a golden-black spider might come. It will eat up the caterpillar. Not because it's bad, but because the spider doesn't like the white mess-chaos the caterpillar makes with its cocoons on the leaves, and also eating big holes into the leaves. Golden-Black Spider is very special...

Stock Market Condoms
The Cornershop has a huge container of Condoms new new since yesterday. It's unfortunately Durex and you should not use them at all.
Why dont you put a lemon inside and kill the sperms by citron-acid anyways? Do you really want your pussy to smell like rubber-shit for days?

Limettes
There are loads of small balls-limettes going on. They have a size of approximately 2 to 4 centimeters and fit perfectly into any vagina.

Tobacco
The American Spirit tobacco and cigarettes are here, but much too expensive. One package of American Spirit sometimes costs like 12 Euros and 15 Cents, and that is just too much. Maybe also the cornershop should change its mind one day.
Jungle tobacco in general has to be tested by yourself in any and every case, we can not give you advice in that matter.

The Russians
The Russians again have a problem with the last century, as they could never develop a real culture like Europe in the Middleage did or India and Asia always have anyways, so Putins buddies are killing people in Ukraine and this is not just a little problem, its WAR in fact. Approximately 7000 Ukrainians were killed by the russians already, possibly more.
This thing is called WAR and the question could be, how to find a woman for Vladimir Putin, so he stopps hanging out so much with his stupid buddies in the woods drinking all the time and freezing his ass and penis, not going for a real fuck at all. Vladimir Putin would need a woman who really can manage him and put him fast forward, feed him well and talk a little bit to his mother as she might be either too old to take care for him or just dead.
In every case the World Health Organisation might intervene soon in Crimea and also Ukraine and collect all the young guys from the Russian Armies together, bring them into a concentration camp and teach them knitting, especially how to knit socks, as this problem in Russia is a problem in general. As the economy is low now in Russia, socks are really in need and some have to do it.

Watertubes and Pipes
According to our knowledge as far as we know, wood always was very good for water tubes and pipes as it soaks the water and keeps it cool and neutral. You exchange it everytime you feel like. If your house is burning, plastic pipes will melt very soon and you will not manage to kill the fire. If your metal pipes have metal in it, you will drink the metal. If you don’t like pipes and tubes at all, walk to the river or spring.

Kids & Cars
Dont worry if your kid is only six or seven years old and already wants to drive a car. It can manage that if it really wants. Make sure, that it’s not your car.

Brazil
Brazil is still existing and some people say, it’s very beautiful & dancy there.

Future & Past & Perspectives
More people in Brazil will be in future, and the rest of the World will go back to Middleage as that is the only & good solution anyways.
Some people are saying this already for 20 Years, some others always had been talking like this. Russia will have to put itself together and find a new Queen as all the boys there should focus on hunting (but not other human beings or citizens) but only play outside and do knitting a lot.
Future & Past & Perspectives for other parts of the World will be online soon. But ask your neighbour first.

Moon-Accounting
Moon-Accounting seems to be the only reasonable way - nothing changed so far. Counting stars or sunny days - forget it. There will never be enough.

Peaches
Peaches still are good in many countries, but for sure, Israelian people always will be claiming that their peaches are the best. Just say: Yes...

Sleep
Sleep is a possible thing to do to regenerate or dream, but if you have a thousand dreams a night, maybe thats just too much. Some older women say, they do not need more than 3 hours of sleep and are perfectly fine with that.

Bidis
If you are dealing with Tibetian or Nepali people, you will always only just get Bidis. Take care not to lose them on the way, they are small and brownish and often disappear in unkown areas.
Attention: If you dont suck them very good, they go off all the time.

Lighters & Waterbottles
Be Aware. If you want to keep them, don’t go to Airports, schools or kindergardens. There they will take it away from you. Better not go there.

Delhi
Actually there is rough weather above Delhi again, it’s probably Ravis mother sitting on her mountain, being angry again. If you go by plane, better go to Amritsar. It’s nice there. There shall be a Golden Temple.

Australia
Australia still is mixed up by people and mistaken for Austria. But actually, the correct Word for AUSTRIA is ÖSTERREICH. If you have a problem with Dots on Letters, try to find another language or fix your computer system.

Rajasthan
Is a quite meaningful term, but actually it’s not a term, but an area in India.

Electronics & Internet
Jungle Net is quite ok, worldwide, and if you are too slow, it will be too fast for you or otherwise around.
Internet in general is a lazy bitch full of wisdom, but don’t take care too much for the servers. Waiters sometimes are just more helpful.

Private & Public
Private & Public is a tricky thing. Don’t mix up Public with pubic.

Transparency & Transcendental Stuff
Forget it. It will never work.

European Banks & Western Banks in General
European Banks & Western Banks in General have shitty software and servers in general. Do not be afraid to say Good Bye to your bank and bank account and take off.

Jungle-Net
See all above

Jungle-Net Problems
Well, they exist, but not really.

Big Jungle-Net-Problems
We will find some. Maybe.

Gaming
Is a thing. There is nothing you can do, but learn how to play the Game. And do not fuck it up too much.

Mothers
Probably you have such a thing like a mother. Many have. We are sorry to announce, that she knows everything, not only about you, just everything. Don’t call her. She will call you...
If you call her too often, she will call the police to bring you far far away.

Monkies
Monkies also have mothers.

Monki Mothers - Attention
Apparently not only in Southwest India but also in Peru Monki-Mothers are throwing their kids over fences into properties. They want to get rid of them sometimes, having a break & send them to play and mess around with the neighbours. Keep your properties free of guns, bottles, broken glass and other shit.

Humour & Faith & Hope
Never lose it. You might need it every day.

Fear
Fear is a liar.

Police
Give them money. That’s all they want. They have not much other skills or talents.

Basil in general
Is existing all over the World. Don’t argue with everyone around that you are the only person who knows about Basil.

Basil in Special
Actually Basil in Special is a New New Slow Slow Jungle Magazin Newspaper Today that you will see very often soon here in the Internet and also Jungle Net. As long as we are not totally running out of Energy, Food, or Luck. Or wooden computers that run on solar-energy or running by themselves as you put your children onto bikes.

Bikes
Bikes are quite CO2-neutral and funny machines you can travel the world with.

Hair in the sink
Hair in the sink will always be there, if you dont share your bath only with frogs or other skinnies. Just put them out. The hair. Not the frogs.

Frogs
Frogs are the best thing in the world.

Dogs
Dogs are also quite good. They can do a lot of things for you, that you are to lazy or unqualified for.

Cats
Cats are quite practical oriented and sometimes around.

Fish
Fish is very good. You can eat it. Fish is also bad. It’s shitting into waters.

The Middleage
See as in Wikipedia written.

Bildrechte: (CC-BY-NC): Coconut Comb-over von Bill Gracey ist lizenziert unter einer Creative Commons Namensnennung-Nicht kommerziell 4.0 International Lizenz.

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[Kolumne/Sahra Gabriele Foetschl/14.01.2016]